Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Training NLP - Cause & Effect

This is where HGE excels, when we talk about the first concept of Cause vs Effect

One of my Master Trainers once shared this as an afterthought and I’ve been teaching it ever since, because I think its so profound.

In life, you either get the result that you want, or you can give me a whole bunch of reasons why you don’t. Another word for reasons is excuses

There Are Only 3 Reasons/Excuses

1. Negative Emotions – Anger, Sadness, Fear
2. Ineffective Behaviours – “running West looking for a sunrise”
3. Limiting Beliefs – “I can’t… I’m not…”

Now some people use this model as an excuse to be harsh, or to blame. It’s not about that. It’s about responsibility:

• “Responsibility” = the ability to respond
• It’s not about fault, or blame, or guilt
• It’s about handling it.
• What are you going to do about it?

There are certain rules we operate from in HGE. The 1st teaching of HGE is the assumption of C>E. For us to get maximum personal power we need to take maximum responsibility for everything that happens in our world. It took me a long time to “get” this.

In our culture at them moment it’s a case of “If at first you don’t succeed blame someone else, then sue the bastard!” Or in relationships your partner says “make me happy”. Wrong – only they can make themselves happy. They need to do something.
The effects that occur in our lives are our own. You either created it, manifested it or attracted it. So rather than say “I would have succeeded too if it wasn’t for ….” Ask yourself “For what purpose did I create this?” Which side are you on? Are you the cause, or are you at the effect? If a pigeon shits on my shoulder, am I responsible? Yes! I might have shat on someone this morning. For Every Effect there’s always a Cause. Is it you? And how are you going to handle it?

Why is Cause & Effect important?
C>E is the principle that for every effect, there is a cause. Everything that happens has a cause. You would be more empowered if you operated from the C side, besides it’s always nice to go to the C side (groan). When you’re at Cause you always have a choice. Moving to cause = creating more choices. A lot of people learn this then use it as a place to hide behind, so they can abdicate responsibility and blame their shit on you

If you're at the Effect end, you blame other people, circumstances, and all the external things outside, for how you feel inside. "Life's a bitch, it's not my fault, why me, it's not fair." Effect people use words like "should", "I don't know", "I'll try", "he makes me". If it’s meant to be it’ll happen – advocate all responsibility, put the cause outside self. You have no choice and can’t do anything about it. You’re choosing to accept a bunch of reasons or excuses for not having your result.

If you're at the Cause end, you accept that you create your own universe, and everything that happens you have either attracted or created unconsciously. You're honest with yourself and you accept responsibility (the ability to respond). The more responsibility you take, the more support you get from your surroundings. Empowered people use words like "I know I can do that", "I will", "I choose to". "The universe I'm in is perfect right now. However, there are some things I would change." The responsibility for change lies with the client - you simply facilitate it. You can't do it for them, and you don't do it "to" them. You simply show them how to do it for themselves.

From the book on Provocative Therapy by Frank Farrelly, I’ve borrowed Frank’s blame list. Just so you know, these are all excuses.

Blame List

Biology Astrology Parents
Body Type Bad Luck Brothers
Deficiencies God Sisters
Genetics Satan Children
Heredity Karma
Hormones Past Lives SOCIETY
Looks Boss
Menopause HISTORY Education
Nerves Age Law
Nutrition Childhood Politics
Origins Media
NATURE Birth Order Men
Nurturing Women
Yang Unconscious MTV

Frank said that clients go through 4 stages with this concept:

1 Client is provoked into a series of experiences that leave him/her
Even outraged

2 Client’s protests reduce and begins to realise they must change, not the therapist

3 Client affirms that therapist’s opinion of them is wrong

4 Integration – client no longer protests. Confidence and adaptability increasing.

You have to get the results for yourself. You have to take 100% responsibility & do whatever it takes to achieve them. You (the reader of this book) are responsible for getting value from this book yourself. As another one of my teachers once said “I can be your tour guide but I can’t have your holiday”

The extent to which you (the Coach) take responsibility for the client’s results is the extent to which you create codependency

A good coach will keep pointing out any C>E violations they hear

“As a coach I’ll do everything I can do – whatever it takes to facilitate your results”.

How does Cause & Effect work?
If forms the basis of all beliefs: "x causes y". It is identified by the words "make, if... .then, because, as, causes". People frequently (mistakenly) believe that "When he does _____ I feel ____". In fact, they are saying is that another person's action changes their state. Now you can't experience anything outside of your own nervous system. The truth is that no one’s actions outside of your nervous system causes you to change emotional state - you change your own state. It's not them, it's you. The other problem with this mistaken belief is that it implies that the other person can't change if they want to, and is dependent on others for how they feel. You either get the result you wanted, or reasons why you didn't. Another name for reasons is excuses. And there are only three excuses:

1 Negative emotions: you're scared, overwhelmed, sad, lonely, hurt, etc
2 Inefficient strategies: what you're doing isn't the way to do it
3 Limiting Beliefs: you don't believe you can/need to/will/deserve to

Get rid of these 3 and then there's only results. To recover the cause, use language like:

When did you decide that.....? What is it within me....? What was my intention in creating that ?
What causes it to be this way ? Is this person at cause ? How does cause you to choose to be ?
What is there to learn here ?

What if Cause & Effect is true?

Think about it – if you want a result, and you feel great about going for it, you believe you can and you deserve it, and you have a specific “how to” plan to get there, what could possibly stop you?

You would be more empowered, because you would be taking total responsibility for the results in your world. All of it. In HGE we say “the meaning of any communication is the response you get”. If you try to encourage someone but you demoralize them instead, then you communicated demoralization. Alter your approach. Being at cause does not imply fault, or blame. It implies choice. Let go of the ego, and attachment to why it isn't working. Be willing to let go of the things that aren't working, and alter your approach. It’s not about blame or fault. Those are value judgments - It’s about handling it. 100% value from this book lies with you– it’s how you use the information in this book to get results that counts. Use it or lose it.

And if you choose to be at effect then you’re still at cause

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